"It is so hard to leave ? until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world."

― John Green, Paper Towns

 

Nå er det bare tre dager til jeg reiser. Jeg har brukt over en måned på å pakke, men allikevel er kofferten bare halvveis pakket ferdig. Det har ikke gått opp for meg helt enda at jeg faktisk reiser på onsdag. Akkurat nå virker det som en evighet til. Drømmen virker fortsatt fra tid til annen uoppnåelig, og enkelte dager er det som om jeg lever i en uvirkelig, drømmeaktig tåke. Det hender at tanker som "hva kommer jeg til å savne mest?" og "holy shit, vil jeg egentlig dra?" kommer inn i hodet mitt. Jeg finner vel ut det når jeg har reist.

Jeg trodde at det å ta farvel med vennene mine kom til å bli mye vanskeligere enn det faktisk har vært. Det eneste som gjenstår nå, er å si hadet til mamma og pappa på flyplassen.

Helt siden jeg kan huske har jeg ville kommet meg bort fra plassen jeg bor på. Høres helt sikkert helt overfladisk ut, men jeg har helt ærlig aldri likt meg noe særlig i Lensvika. Man forventer at man skal ha en slags tilhørighet med det stedet man vokser opp i, men jeg har aldri følt det sånn. For meg har det bare vært en liten plass, fin natur, to hus, mamma, pappa, en storebror. Noen venner. Og katter. Og menneskene da. Det har på mange vis vært "hjemme", men jeg har alltid gått rundt og følt at hjemme er en annen plass. Jeg har bodd her i 17 og et halv år, og jeg har aldri kommet over et menneske som faktisk bryr seg om noe som betyr noe. 

 

Vi har alle hørt det kjente ordtaket "du vet ikke hva du har før du mister det." Men man kan jo ikke miste noe man ikke har. Jeg gleder meg skikkelig til å dra nå, men gruer meg samtidig. La oss bare håpet at John Green har rett. (Han har som regel alltid rett.)


Hvem vet? Et år i Lincoln kommer nok til å forandre meg, nå gjenstår det bare å finne ut hvordan.

 

 


5 comments
Stikkord:

You just don't get it. No matter how much you think you do, you don't. No matter how understanding you think you are. Or how smart you are. How clever, quick-witted and intelligent you are, you simply do not get it. 

It is not all just fun and games. It's scary. And exhilarating, and frightening, and intriguing, and intimidating and sad and beautiful and tragic.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I just jumped head first thinking it'd be a great opportunity for me to get away for a while. Get away from everything. Start over. Get a whole new perspective.

And it is. Half of it. The other half is the exact opposite. And very few people are able to understand that. But sometimes, every once in a while, there will be this one person who - among the sea of other people who just see the exhilarating, intriguing and beautiful side of it - will say "The United States. That's scary."

And if you just happen to be that kind of person, then you are my kind of pal.

How do you know what a DREAM is if you've never lived one. How do you know what an ADVENTURE is if you never took part in one. How do you know what ANGUISH is if you've never said goodbye to your friends and family with your eyes full of tears. How do you know what being DESPERATE is if you've never arrived at a place all alone. How do you know what DIVERSITY is if you never lived under the same roof with people from all over the world. How do you know what AUTONOMY is if you never had the chance to decide something by yourself. How do you know what it means to GROW UP if you never stopped being a child. How do you know what it feels like to be HELPLESS of all you wanted was to hug someone, but had a computer screen preventing you from doing it. How do you know what DISTANCE is if you've never looked at a map saying "They're so far away." How do you know what a LANGUAGE is if you've never had to learn more than one. How do you know what PATRIOTISM is if you've never shouted "I love my country!", holding its flag. How do you know what an OPPORTUNITY is if you've never gotten one. How do you know what PRIDE is if you've never realised how much you've accomplished. How do you know what it means to SEIZE the day if you've never seen time running by so fast. How do you know what a FRIEND is if the circumstances never showed you the true ones. How do you know what a FAMILY is if you've never had one that supported you unconditionally. How do you know what BORDERS are if you've never crossed yours to see what's on the other side. How do you know what IMAGINATION is if you never though about the moment when you would travel across the world.


One comment
Stikkord:
hits